I haven't been depressed lately, but I have been down, a little. After trying to figure out why, I realize that I've been dealing with a lot of fear. School starts up again in about a month. Xander will stay at his preschool, but we're gonna have to figure out childcare for Ari. No matter where he is (with Jonathan, a nanny-share, a program), he won't be with me. And he hates eating without me. I didn't have to go back to school full-time with Xander til he was nine months old, while Ari will be five months. I'm not sure how my strong commitment to nursing will work with a child who hates a bottle.. and a mother who will be involved in classes, thesis-writing, and an internship at the AJA.
But I also think it's bigger than that. I'm being ordained in May, and hope to become the family breadwinner. All my friends I've talked to since their ordination (whether in 2003 or last month) say that rabbinic work is BUSY. Hours upon hours busy. And I'm looking forward to it, I really am. But I still wonder... how can I be the wife and mother I want to be if I'm supposed to put my congregation first? On the other hand, how can I be the rabbi I want to be if my family comes first? Back before I got into HUC, in my interview in fact, I remember a community rabbi asked me what I thought my biggest problem or issue with the rabbinate would be. I said "balance." Even then, I knew it would be a problem. And now here I am. So far I've been able to manage because for the most part, school and student pulpits was dealt with on my own time. But being a full-fledged rabbi seems different.
And then tonight I found a godsend. Or at least, one of those things that appears when you need it most, that makes me think, yes, there is an intervening God or guardian angel or something. I followed a link on Facebook and found this site: Ima on and off the bima: real-life Jewish parenting and living. "Ima" is Hebrew for "Mother" or "mom." The woman who writes the blog is a rabbi with four kids, the youngest of them still an infant. I read her blog for hours, partly while nursing Ari (the irony). Then I sent her a long email. I hope she writes back.
I'm also trying to take care of myself; last weekend I took a few hours out to go to Cincinnati Pride; today I let myself be "kidnapped" by Maura for some girl time and shopping. Little things like this won't fix the problem... but at least it's a start. And that's really all I can do, isn't it?
2 comments:
Being a working parent is definitely a challenge. And there's not a cure. You just do the best you can do. Prioritize and decide what you can slack off on. My house has rarely been sparkling clean since the kids were born and we eat more that I would like out of a box (usually from Trader Joes)
Good point, Sheryl. Good life lesson, in total.
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