A very thoughtful few days

It started off on Wednesday when Matt and I were studying philosophy. We were going over a medieval Jewish theologian's argument for the existence of God. This naturally led to a discussion of what we, personally, believed. I had to say that I was still unsure, but that the all powerful, all knowing God of the Bible and rabbis was not for me. I believe that I was made with a purpose in mind, and that souls are reincarnated, but the concept of an overarching deity is something I still struggle with.

So of course, at my interview on Friday for CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) one of the first questions was, "Where is God in the relationship with your son?" It took me a moment to formulate an answer. What I told him was this: "I'm not sure where God is in that relationship, because I'm still formulating my conception of God. Spirituality is omnipresent in my relationship with Xander. It comes in what he teaches me about life, simply by being who he is. For example, I'm a very calendar-oriented person, always organized and going from one meeting to another. I always have a schedule. But when I'm about to go somewhere, and Xander sees a blade of grass on the sidewalk, he crawls over to it and it is the most amazing thing ever. He teaches me how important it is to notice the green of the blade of grass, the dew reflecting the sun, and everything else about it. It's more than spontaneity and realizing that I can make the time, it's about appreciating everything and seeing the world through his eyes."

Later that night, on my way to Tot Shabbat services (services geared to the preschool set), Holly and I had a similar phone conversation. "How can you go to services and pray," she asked, "if you're not sure what you're praying to?" I thought about that the whole time I was sitting in the sanctuary. I believe in Judaism as a culture and a people, not just as a religion, but I also find the morals and ethics in prayer to be of great value. Do I pray to a God? I'm not sure. Sometimes. Maybe sometimes I pray to myself, to grant myself the wisdom and courage to manifest all the values (peace, thankfulness, etc) that are found in the prayerbook.

Then yesterday, after Shabbat ended, our temple hosted a social get-together with people in their 20s and 30s. As the night came to a close, Jonathan and I found ourselves talking to one couple in particular; myself to the woman, and Jonathan to the man. The men talked about careers, and computers, and politics, I think. Instead our conversation revolved around Judaism as an "adult" religion based on logic as well as faith. Their son has a degenerative condition called Tay-Sachs, and we discussed the meaning inherent in Jewish burial rituals, what you say in a naming ceremony for a baby that doesn't have a future, and more. It was a very serious conversation to be having in an Indian restaurant, but I felt good about being able to give her some guidance, or even just provide a listening ear to bounce ideas off of. It reaffirmed why I want to be a rabbi, to help people... and it also showed me just why I need to be in CPE this summer, so I'll know better what to say in these situations. It was not at all what I was expecting on a Saturday night, but I left feeling strangely fulfilled, if emotionally drained.

Jeffrey had been babysitting a sleeping Xander, and when we got home I was feeling introspective, so asked him a question I'd been wondering for weeks: How does a son's love differ for his mother than for his father? I know all about mother/daughter relationships, but am more fuzzy on mother/son (never having experienced it myself or witnessed that interaction much as a child). That led into a very long talk about how you know you're loved by parents in the first place, how parents differ by gender versus by personality, etc. One thing specifically that Jeffrey said I thought was brilliant: I will unconditionally love Xander, and will tell him so constantly. He will unconditionally love me, but will only tell me so when he needs to, not when I want to hear it. Overall it left me with a lot of food for thought.