Splendid wedding

From left to right: Alan, Jonathan, Dan, Joe and Nicole

So all of you have heard of our terrible flight back, but I haven’t talked about the whole reason for risking life and limb with Delta: Joe and Nicole’s wedding!!

This was my first run at being a groomsman, and I took my new responsibility very seriously. I was here for Joe, and by the look of him when I arrived, he needed all the help he could get. There were some difficult guests making life hard, and the hotel with the reservation for the out of town arrivals decided to tear out half its contents and rebuild it while everyone was staying. Joe likes things to go as planned, and this definitely wasn’t going to plan.

I did my best to help where I could, but mostly I just stood by his side and assured him that no matter what, the wedding was going to happen and in the end, it will all be wonderful.

Things started looking up for Joe once we got to the rehearsal and he was finally reunited with his beautiful bride to be, Nicole. The love for each other was obvious in their eyes and if they looked half this much in love on the day of the wedding, everyone would take back happy memories. We ran through the ceremony and I was assigned as guard to the post-ceremony retreat for the bride and groom. Apparently gaining a few extra pounds makes one bouncer material. The wedding planner went over everything with us in the unyielding determination of a marine drill instructor. Her best quote was when she told Joe about the dangers of being late to his own wedding: “The wedding is going to start at 5:30 sharp, and whoever is here will be going down the aisle.” We knew she wasn’t kidding, too.

After rehearsal was the dinner with the out-of-towners. We were served an elegant dinner in a posh little restaurant with a view of the water. As soon as dessert was finished Dan Bord, Best Man and brother of the groom (and like Joe from Britain), Alan Brown, fellow groomsmen and old friend of Joe (who is Scottish and has the thick brogue to prove it), and myself spirited Joe away with Ethan for our covert plans of single male bonding. This plan primarily consisted of going to a few pubs and getting him sloshed. It was a wonderful evening that I’m of course sworn to secrecy about, but let’s just say that I now have a new association with Irish pubs and female undergarments.

The next day, we the intrepid groomsmen joined up, dressed in our tuxes and ready for the evening’s grand affair. Our first stop was the family home of Nicole, where many fine shots were taken of the family, the groomsmen, bridesmaids, and of course Joe and Nicole (who was looking every bit the part of the beautiful bride). After the pictures were taken and people were getting ready to go to the Temple, Dan sat down with me and asked my opinion of what to do with the rings. I suggested that he keep them on him in a pocket so he wouldn’t forget them before the ceremony. A suggestion I later came to regret….

At the Temple we took more pictures as we awaited the arrival of guests. We also did some last minute review of what we are to do and where we are to stand. Nicole and Joe went off to do something or another before guests would arrive and I was left alone in the sanctuary with Alan when Dan entered with the words “Bollocks!!!” (in his thick British accent). Alan and I turned to see him pale-faced and looking frantic. We stared at him, puzzled by his outburst. In the three days I’d spent with him, he was always cool as a cucumber, but this was a side of Dan I hadn’t seen. It was the truly terrified side of Dan. He began scanning the floor with his eyes, looking for something desperately.

“I’ve lost the rings!!! There was a hole in the pocket of the tux and now I think they fell out somewhere on the ground!!! HELP ME LOOK!” Dan later told me that during this time he was imagining himself as the “man that lost the rings.” He was sure that both his family and Nicole’s would disown him for this.

Alan and I began looking around and asked if he was sure he hadn’t put in another pocket. Dan said “yeah, yeah, I’m sure (in his very British accent), they were right here in this pocket with the hole in it…” and he paused and began patting the area of his tux side pocket. He stopped and squeezed a part of the jacket seam. “Wait! I think I found one!”

We ran over and saw an outline of a ring sitting just above the bottom seam of his tux jacket. Immediately Alan and I began groping Dan’s jacket (with Dan in it) for the second ring. In hindsight, I’m glad we were alone in the sanctuary. We found it, further around the bottom seam, near Dan’s butt. Then came the part of how do we get them out of the seams of Dan’s jacket.

Being men, our first thought was to have Alan and I hold Dan upside down and shake him vigorously, but he was lanky and unbalanced so we decided to come up with a new strategy. We examined the hole in his pocket. It was just big enough for a man’s finger, or ring, to fall through. I was thinking of how I could manipulate the rings back through the hole when Alan took the Scottish approach and ripped the hole open enough to fit his fist through.

Before you ask, NO, it NEVER occurred to us to take his jacket off before fetching the ring.

I then had the pleasure of seeing Alan and Dan engage in some bizarre form of Twister as Alan shoved his arm into the seams of Dan’s jacket (while it was still being worn by Dan, who was standing and had to keep flinging his leg in the air in awkward positions while clinging to Alan to keep from falling over). All the while I was doing all I could to stifle my laughter at the sight before me. Larry, Moe, and Curly would have been proud.

At last Alan retrieved them both from the nether regions of Dan’s tux. No sooner were they safely in the tightly clinched hands of Dan when Joe walks into the sanctuary. We look at each other uneasily. Joe asks how we are doing and we glance at each other, nod and say fine. Then Joe says, “Oh good...” then turns to Dan, “You do have the rings don’t you?” Dan looks at us, we look at him, and then Dan smiles back at Joe, puts on his best façade of confidence and says, “Of course, we got it covered Joe. No problems.”

Joe smiles happily and says in his very British way, “Wonderful, that’s just wonderful, because that is about the only thing that would totally muck up the whole wedding. The whole affair would be buggered if those rings were lost. Glad you’re on top of it!” He smiles happily in his ignorance and pats his brother on the shoulder as Alan and I pitch in our confident affirmations on how we are fully on top of the Ring Tending Duties. As soon as he leaves the room the three of us sigh and fall into the pews, going over “what were the bloody odds of that happening.” I looked down and Dan’s hands were still shaking. We all decided that Joe needn’t know about any of this until after the ceremony.

We went off to the Ketubah signing were I got to put my signature down on the sacred parchment as witness to this blessed event. As soon as the rest of the guests arrived the wedding started. Standing there just outside the chuppah, I got to see one of the most romantic and heartfelt ceremonies I have ever seen. I’m not one to cry at movies, and I have NEVER felt like crying at a wedding, but I had to admit, I was really choked up at this one. Myself and Michal aside, I have never seen two people look at each other with such love. If anyone had any doubts about their marriage, it was put to rest right then.

After the ceremony ended and everyone had dried their eyes, we went off to the reception and partied like it was 1999. Over the evening and the next day we talked and bonded with many of Joe and Nicole’s friends, many of whom we hope to stay in touch with. Hotel room aside, it ranks as one of the best weddings I have ever attended, and I have been to a lot of weddings.

Sunday was bittersweet as we all had to say our goodbyes and make our respective journeys home. Joe and Nicole flew to New York, Dan and Alan went back to the UK, others journeyed to LA and Boston, and of course, Michal and I flew to Ohio. We got to spend some extra hours with Alan as we went to the airport together, and at last had to hug him a final farewell before we boarded our ill-fated flight home.

For many more pictures of the wedding, click here.