About two years ago I wrote a blog entry about how having a baby had changed my life. I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and am realizing that I have just as much to say about the second baby. You’d think that parenting would be old hat, that I’d been there, done that. But no. (Except for the fact that that last line rhymes because now I read significantly more Dr. Seuss than I ever did before.)
I appreciate Ari’s infancy in a way that I didn’t with Xander: I love the baby smell, the adorable smiles, the way he nuzzles into my shoulder when I hold him. And this shocks me; I hated the newborn stage before. Maybe I feel differently because it’s easier to be a parent to Ari: as much as I love my firstborn, I admit that he never slept. He also cried and screamed. Ari rarely cries, and while he won’t nap lying down by himself, he’ll sleep fine in a wrap or next to us (which means I sleep at night).
Then again, perhaps it has nothing to do with Ari himself:
- - Jonathan’s home and we split childcare, so I’m not as easily overwhelmed.
- - Breastfeeding is ten times easier, since I know what I’m doing. I don’t need three pillows around me, or even any pillows; last weekend I nursed him in a wrap while walking around at the zoo, without thinking twice.
- - I’m much more laid-back about things, which surprised me because I hadn’t thought I was that anal retentive with Xander. But two years ago I was concerned with getting out of the house every day to stimulate him, of exposing him to music and books so he wouldn’t be bored. Now I figure he’s stimulated enough just by being around me in daily life, so I don’t worry about it. The same for naps; Xander was on a strict schedule. Now as long as Ari falls asleep every few hours, I’m fine. Basically, it’s the old adage about the pacifier: the paci falls out of the mouth of the first child, you sterilize it. It falls out of the mouth of the second child, you wipe it off and put it back. We don’t use pacifiers, but I definitely understand the sentiment.
- - When Xander was born, it was hard for me to keep up a running monologue. Now I talk all day and don’t even notice it. One of Xander’s favorite things to do on walks or when I push him on a swing is to ask me to sing, about anything, and I find that I can warble on for half an hour about nothing before I need to take a breath. (Whether that’s good or bad is still up for debate!)
- - I have a support network, i.e. more friends with kids. With Xander, I was still trying to form community outside of HUC, but now, I know lots of moms from temple, the home birth circle, and old friends from home who had kids. Even on Facebook, I can put a question about childrearing as my status and 15 people reply.
- - It’s summer!! And Xander was born in winter. I love heat, and sunshine, and I can’t discount how much this probably helps.
- - I still have a 2 and a half year old to take care of on top of Ari. So as complicated as it gets, I’m definitely not bored! With Xander alone the infancy period seemed so... mundane, for lack of a better word. Now there’s always something going on. Ari adds to our already established life, but he doesn’t completely overturn it.
- - I’m already used to a baby! Like, I’m not disappointed if there are four interruptions in the middle of a movie. Or by the fact that it’s taken me three days to compile this blog entry. I don’t over-plan for the day, but am realistic in what I can get done. And if I DO want to do something and then don’t, I don’t beat myself up or think I’m a bad parent. I practically expect it. (I also reread Bad Mother and that helped, too!)
Other random things:
- - God there’s a lot more laundry! And this child spits up, which Xander rarely did. We go through towels and washcloths at an alarming rate.
- - I used to swear by A&D for diaper rash. But that was til I discovered Boudreaux’s Butt Paste. Odd name, but it makes all redness go away. It's so much better than A&D, I can't sing its praises enough.
- - The cats were unbelievably clingy to me when Xander was born, and didn’t like him at all. Now they’re so friendly to Ari, Yentl actually let him pull her tail!
I’m sure there’s more, but if I don’t post this now, I never will. I just really do feel... better... overall. And it makes me wonder - not that this is in the cards for years yet - but what changes will a third child bring?
4 comments:
I am so happy for you, Michal, I can't TELL you!
Love,
Mom
Dearheart,
I went back and read your post after Xander was born. It is amazing -- you are amazing.
While your children are growing and developing their full potential in the environment of unconditional love you provide for them, it's clear that YOU are growing and developing even more than they.
You've accepted and are meeting the
toughest challenge of Motherhood:
the need to LET-GO. That's what being a mother is all about, starting with being wise enough, strong enough, and flexible enough to let-go of your pre-parenthood life-style.
Letting go is hard every step of the way as your child makes mistakes you could have prevented
-- but what would they have learned from having no experience?
The counter balance to the painful sense of impotence when you Let-Go as your child's world expands and you become less and less a part of it, is the Power you have to give SUPPORT to your child at all times, through success and failure.
And that power is yours forever.
You're the mom I'd wish for all kids...wish I'd had one like you.
Savta
Savta, you are so eloquent. :)
Michal, I remember some of the same after kid #2. On one hand it was frustrating that all the things I had learned from kid #1 didn't seem to apply. But on the other hand, I was definitely more relaxed and not so worried about everything being perfect.
Its wonderful to see your whole family growing and thriving.
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