A glimpse inside our relationship

Usually in this blog I write about life in Cincinnati, school, or fun general things. I rarely write about my and Jonathan's marriage, primarily because (to quote a friend) we're "disgustingly happy." But something happened the other day that I thought was fascinating.


Scene: Late afternoon on a dreary gray day. Michal is in the kitchen, cooing to the baby while doing dishes. Jonathan is outside using the leaf blower to collect the leaves from the yard.

Michal: "Hmm, I want chocolate."

Michal brings mini-Snickers outside, tells Jonathan to open his mouth. Jonathan looks befuddled but complies. Michal pops chocolate inside.

Jonathan: "Thank you."

Jonathan chews chocolate, swallows, and returns to leaf-blowing. Michal returns to dishwashing inside the house.


Now, this seems like a very simple transaction, but Jonathan and I have since dissected it to death. Why did I bring him the mini-Snickers? Because I love chocolate and wanted to show him I loved him. One of my love languages is food, so by providing Jonathan with a Snickers by surprise, I thought he would feel overcome with tenderness and know immediately that I appreciated his yard work.

Jonathan, on the other hand, does not have the same association with food that I do. Instead, he thought that I had wanted chocolate and felt guilty about eating it, so then gave some to him as a way to alleviate my guilt. It was only afterwards that he realized, "OH, it's a sign of love." At around the same time I realized, "Jonathan doesn't care about food. That probably meant nothing."

Later that night I asked him what would be his quick symbol of "I love you, thank you for doing icky lawn work." And you know what he said? "Come outside and give me a kiss." "A kiss?" I asked. "That's it?" "That's it. A kiss means love much more than chocolate ever could."

It seems so simple. This understanding is better for our marriage. But, still, I don't get it... how does food not equal love?!

Important things to know

Fresh Market Bakery has a superb chocolate fudge pie. It didn't even last one night in our house. That's bad... it was a big pie.

Due to Simcha's habit of smothering the heat vents with his body, he is now constantly full of static electricity. If one were to say, hold him up over the humidifier and let the mist engulf him, one can neutralize said static electricity. One would think Simcha would mind such treatment. He does not. He in fact, purrs.

Jean can make amazing Thanksgiving brisket. We were stuffed with stuffing when we left her house.

All praise the woman at Costco who said that Xander looked wise. She thought he was at least three months old because of the way he held up his head and was so alert.

The yard has a LOT of leaves. We know this because Jonathan spent an inordinate amount of time cleaning them up before they attracted bugs.

The baby loves Black Friday shopping with Dad. Mom loves it too, because she got in a three-hour nap while father and son steam-rollered the stores.

And the best part... there are still two more weekend days left!

Fabulousness

My MA thesis postulated that according to Immanuel Kant's philosophy of personhood, gays and lesbians should be allowed to legally adopt children. In it I quote from various state and federal laws. Happily, one of my chapters is now inaccurate: the Florida ban on gay adoption was declared unconstitutional!

Pictures and videos

Swaddle boy

With Holly and Greg

Hanging out in my bouncy chair.

Lots of other pictures can be found here.

Xander learning to stick out his tongue.

Here is the babeleh hiccupping as we talk.




Smiling at the mobile, part one.




Mobile part two.




Ignore my terrible scratchy voice. Here he smiles when I sing.




Osherle chasing the laser dot.

Long belated update

Wow. I think this has been the longest lag time in posting, ever. Oh well. That’s good, it means I’ve been busy!

Liz not only brought over her recipe book but made us fudge! She got me an introductory sewing kit and taught me a few basic things (like how to sew on a button) which I desperately needed. Her visit was wonderful, and Alexander was always quiet whenever his Shamma (Gaelic for grandmother) rocked him. We drove up to Columbus on her last day to see Natasha and Kevin's new apartment and meet Kevin's family. Liz played Wii bowling while I pigged out on Natasha’s homemade spinach artichoke dip.

That same day Holly flew in from Omaha. She and her 17 month old, Gregory, helped teach me how to go out and about with a baby. We did everything, from grocery shopping to going to bookstores to singing kid songs to figuring out new ways to use my wrap (I can now put Alexander sideways as well as facing me). She and I met up with various crunchy home birth friends of mine, each with other toddlers, and went out to lunches and errands. For example, Maria brought over her son to play and we later saw her again at a La Leche League meeting. On Friday our outing to the Children’s Museum expanded as there were three adults (me, Holly, Pam) and four kids (one mine, one Holly’s, two of Pam’s). Her last night we had over Elbie and Dave for dessert and whipped up some fabulous chocolate fondue.

HUC students have been wonderful about keeping in touch and bringing us meals (THANK YOU). Osher has decided that he wants to be an indoor/outdoor cat, so we got him chipped and gave him the feline leukemia vaccine. And I went back to teaching Sunday school two weeks ago and didn’t realize how much I’d missed it. Two quick stories: one, last week in art the kids were making clay mezuzahs. One decorated his in silver and gold puffy paint. “Cool!” said the 3rd grader next to him. “Jewish bling!”

Two, I loved how Noah, the rabbinic intern, discussed the Torah portion where Eliezer, Abraham’s servant, chose Rebecca to marry Isaac. In attempting to relate to the children at youth services, he said, “Eliezer was Abraham’s right-hand man. Nothing would have happened without him. Think of them like Batman and Alfred. Where would Batman have been if Alfred hadn’t been there to clean the cave and make sure everything worked right?!” I cracked up.

In terms of baby news, Xander – which is what we’ve decided to call Alexander instead of “Alex,” when we choose to use a nickname – has hit many baby milestones in the past few weeks. He can now… drumroll please… blow spit bubbles! He smiles and coos (and is oh so adorable when he does it, if I may say so myself). He’s very alert when he’s awake, and is fascinated by Jonathan’s face, a rattle that Holly brought, and the burgundy/cream tile pattern on our living room fireplace. He sleeps four to five hours a time at night starting at around midnight or 1am, then usually nurses once and goes down for another two hours. He’s still meticulous about his diaper and lets us know immediately if it needs to be changed. We introduced a bottle and a pacifier, and he’s taken to both, though we only use them in moderation (the bottle when I’m at Sunday school, and the pacifier when I’m not around or in the car). He's up to 10 pounds now, and has grown out of his "newborn" sized clothes and is in "0-3 months." I have probably about 200 pictures and ten videos of the past two weeks to sort through, so once I get them organized I'll be sure to post.

And last but not least, since it has actually snowed twice here and my neighbors are already stringing up their Christmas lights, I don’t feel too early in posting this link in the spirit of Hanukkah. Courtesy of Sheryl, behold the Seattle Men’s Chorus Ensemble singing cowboy Dreidel.

A non-baby post

So a long time ago I was tagged by my cousin Katie to list six of my quirks:

1) I'm obsessed with Brangelina. They're beautiful people who exemplify the concept of mitzvot. I love them. How many celebrities actually donate a third of their paycheck to charity?!

2) For the life of me I have to concentrate to be able to tell my right from my left. Honestly, it's really weird, it takes me a split second to process. I blame the fact that I skipped first grade when we learned the difference. It's easier for me to translate Hebrew on the spot than to figure out if a turn is L or R. I have this feeling that this is directly related to #3,

3) I can't give directions to save my life. Most of the embarrassing moments in my life are related to this fact.

4) When I go to sleep I have to be lying on my right side. Otherwise it's just not "sleepy position," and falling asleep takes three times longer.

5) I have to take notes in class with paper and pencil or pen, not a laptop. I'm one of only two holdouts in my rabbinic school class to do so. It's so visual for me, I can't remember anything if I type it. But if I physically write, I retain the information.

6) I have great willpower in eating, except with Hot Tamales candies. For some reason half a box disappears in one sitting!

And now for shout-outs: happy very belated bday to Chana P., mazel tov on Jessica and Michael's engagement, yay to Gwen for her new office, and another mazel tov on the birth of Eden, Jonathan and Yael's new son.

As if I had any doubt...

I feel like I am now officially the mother of a baby boy.

Today, changing his diaper, I got pee in my eye.


Also, check out today's NY Times article about the rising popularity of home birth: Baby, You're Home. Many thanks to Becca for the link!

More pictures

Abba, myself and the baby the day he left. Alexander has grown even since this picture. He had his one-month checkup on Thursday, and he now weighs 8 lbs, 12.4 oz, and is 21.5 in long.

Baby's first trip to Target. It was Mommy's first trip to a store by herself with the baby, too. A 20 minute errand took an hour as we had two diaper changes, crying, and hunger to deal with. But like Obama, we did it!

For the next shopping trip to Meijer's I went with the wrap. Holly introduced me to babywearing in this type of wrap, and I was scared at first (it seemed so complicated). But one of my home birth friends came over and literally helped me to wrap it and put the baby in, and now I love it! It's hands-free, so I can do errands around the house, go shopping, and even take walks around the neighborhood (which I've actually done once, thank you for scoffing). The only bad thing is, I try to take him places to stimulate his senses (we even visited HUC!), and then the walking and my heartbeat lulls him to sleep! So maybe it isn't working as well as I want. :)

Jonathan making dinner. The baby was completely awake the whole time, and looking all around (perhaps there's something interesting on the ceiling?) I think he stayed awake because Jonathan wasn't walking around so much, just moving between the stove and the counter.

When the baby was first born he slept in a co-sleeper next to us, a sort of crib that attaches to the bed at the same height as our mattress. But he kept waking up in the middle of the night with cold hands. So as an experiment, we set up a travel crib that Carl and Anne had lent us in Jonathan's office, and put the space heater up to 78 degrees. He then slept 5 hours straight! So there goes the sleeping-with-us thing... apparently he has my Mediterranean thermostat and loves heat! Also note the mobile hanging from the fan, he loves the black and white cards. We'll move the crib into the guest room in December once guests leave, and then we'll transform the room into the nursery.

Speaking of guests, Jonathan's mom, Liz, is visiting from CA. She's going to teach me how to sew (because at this point I can't sew on a button), and today she got the ingredients to make a cherry cream cheese pie. Next up, taco soup!

My sister-in-law Natasha lives in Columbus, and drove Liz down from the airport. Alexander had a ball playing with her and making faces.

I said that the cats were acting weird? Osher found the highest spot in the house from which to look down on the baby: the top of the front door.

Arggh

This was not meant to be.

I was supposed to go back to teaching Sunday school today. I was up at 7am and got ready, nursed the baby, pumped some more so Jonathan could give him a bottle, and I was up and out the door completely on time. I was proud of myself. Then I get in the car, and... the car battery is dead. Not just low, but (according to AAA, who got here in record time) it's actually dead. As in, we have to buy a new one.

Jonathan could have driven me in the Mini, I suppose, but that just seemed so complicated, what with he and the baby getting ready, moving over the carseat, interrupting the baby's nap in the afternoon to come pick me up, etc. Instead I'm taking it as a divine way of telling me I'm supposed to be home. I have mixed feelings - one one hand, I was dreading leaving the baby, and I didn't want to give him a bottle so early. But on the other hand, I was revved up to teach again and feel like myself in my mommy-free identity. Now I don't have to make the decision at all though, it was made for me. Blessing? Curse? I'll just take it as it as, and be grateful I'm awake, dressed, and ready to go so early. Auto Zone, here I come!

Voting Day

Today I felt like I was part of something really big and important; I voted. I have voted before, but this election is special. Unless you have been living in a cave, you know that we will elect either our first black president or our first female vice president. Even beyond that, we are facing financial crises unlike any we have faced before and the future of our Supreme Court rulings will be swayed right or left by the appointees of this next president. This is big stuff and I felt the fate of our nation depended on the people voting today. When I got to my polling location I felt I was entering hollowed government ground. This is why I was so appalled when I saw this just a few feet from the door of my polling place:

Yes, that’s right, religious right propaganda; crude, base propaganda at that. He was only 10 feet from the door, and you had no choice but to walk within inches of him when you went to vote. He also took the best parking space with his beat-up white trash van. This picture is a little fuzzy because Michal took the shot from inside the car. Michal went right up to him as we passed and told him “I’m pro-choice and will be voting for Obama, thank you very much!” She makes me so proud. I was too filled with loathing for what I felt was a blasphemy to such a sacred act of democracy to say anything.

When I got to work I was still really pissed, so I called the local police. They told me that it was freedom of speech and he was on private property so it was up to the property owners. They wouldn’t do anything. I almost dropped the phone. I mean, I know I’m from California, and I know it was a church hosting the polling site, and this guy probably was a congregant there, but this still seems to be the stuff I would make fun of in backwater southern towns. This just seems ethically wrong if not downright illegal. Where in all that is good have I ended up?? This cop made me even more pissed so I hung up on him and called CNN and left a message. I doubt anything will come of it, but it made me feel a little better.

When I got home I downloaded the other pictures we took while there and it cheered me up - we had taken the boy to the polling place to introduce him to the democratic process. He got an “I voted” sticker and everything. See the picture below of my proud fatherly smile as I hold up my son, the future Democrat.

Oh, and for extra cheer I listened to some great grassroots-created videos promoting Obama. I needed these to make me feel there were still people with wit and reason in the world. I hope you like them.

Hockey moms for Obama

"Takin' It Back with Barack, Jack!"

The babeleh at three weeks

The link below is to pictures of the naming ceremony two weeks ago. People came from HUC and from the temple where I teach. Rabbi Sarason officiated, and Jonathan, myself, the baby, and my parents sat in chairs at the front of the living room, and everyone else crowded into our living and dining areas. Savta did what grandmothers do, even when they're not physically present; she provided the nosh! (And what a nosh it was... yay for yummy food! Savta, our stomachs thank you).

Naming ceremony pictures



Here are some other shots:

Hanging out after a diaper change

Hat face



Daddy's nose is so big!

Trying out the fancy shmancy new stroller gifted by Fagel, Ethel and Sandi in Chicago. He loved the ride!

You crack me up!

You're voting for WHO?

What did you just call me? "Wiggle" is no longer acceptable!

And now, pictures with the parents:

Who knew that my father knows reiki?! He was able to calm the baby down like no other. (This picture is from last week). Abba was here for two weeks, it was fabulous. Then he went back to Israel... and the rest of us were reduced to walking with Alexander at night instead of laying on of hands.

My mom and I tonight as she was packing. Alexander was holding his head up by himself, and let it fall back right as we took the picture. What a precocious kid. :)

Guest blog from Bubby/Jan

A few of you have requested a guest blog entry so here ‘tis. It’s been 5 weeks since I arrived and I’m shaking my head in disbelief that the visit is actually coming to an end tomorrow. Being here and sharing this experience with Michal and Jonathan has been unbelievable. First, just the fact that after 5 weeks, all of us are still civil to each other is an accomplishment! And, in fact, we’re all getting along quite well.

Michal and I spent 2 glorious weeks together before the baby arrived. She wanted to get everything together so we shopped, we organized, I precooked some meals. And we talked and talked and talked. Michal and Jonathan were also very generous by including me in every doctor’s appointment and visit with the midwife.

Then October 7^th arrived and so did the baby. Michal awoke at about 2am with cramps but she thought it was just false labor so she ignored them….as long as she could. By 3:30am, she woke up Jonathan and at 3:40am Jonathan woke me up. What's funny is that I had been in a deep sleep when Jonathan came into my room to awaken me, so when I saw him I exclaimed, "What is it? What's wrong?" At that moment, being still half asleep, I'd forgotten the purpose of my visit! Michal was having her baby!! By 5:30am Michal was in full labor and we called the midwife who arrived by 6:30am. Things were developing quickly and although it took a little coaxing to get Michal to step into the birthing pool, once she did, things moved even more rapidly.

I really had no idea what it would be like to see and hear my beloved daughter in pain and afterward Michal told us that it was the most excruciating pain she’d ever experienced. Now, that means something because for those of you who know Michal well, you know that she really doesn’t complain about pain. I remember once when she was a child and had literally impaled herself on a fireplace poker, she walked calmly into the kitchen and casually said, “My back hurts.” Yeah, I guess it did! She required stitches. But she was calm and didn’t complain. So I know she was in pain. I guess I expected myself to crumble and not be able to handle her screams but I suppose I turned into my mother at that moment and simply dealt with the task at hand. I was there to be with my child when she gave birth to her child and I was going to be there for her in any way she needed me. And that did not include becoming an emotional wreck.

I can’t say that the birth experience met my expectations because I really had no idea what to expect. Oh, Michal did everything she could to prepare me…..she sent paperwork, books, pictures, and YouTube videos. But even after reading and watching everything, I still wasn’t prepared for what was to come and my participation in it. When Michal asked me to be at the birth, I warned her that I didn't know anything about childbirth. In fact, I joked with her saying,. "Honey, I was barely present at YOUR birth!" And that was true. Michal was a very high risk pregnancy. I was instructed to stay in bed after the first 12 weeks and her birth was a planned C-Section. I arrived a the hospital on the specified day, was wheeled into surgery, had my epidural and Michal appeared a few moments later. What did I know about childbirth!!!??? This was going to be a new experience for both of us!

Michal experienced what is called back labor and wanted someone to push on her lower back. So the midwife’s assistant did just that. Then Michal’s friend, Sarah, and I took over when she needed a break. I couldn’t believe how much pressure she wanted so we kept pushing harder and harder…to the point that my arm was vibrating from applying so much pressure. Once when I thought I might be hurting her, I let up a bit and it didn’t take more than a second for Michal to bellow, “Don’t stop!” So I guess it wasn’t too hard after all.

I sat and talked with the midwife at about 8:30am and she told me that the labor was progressing very quickly and that she expected that the baby might arrive by 2:30 that afternoon. But no guarantees. So we were all more than a bit surprised when Alexander literally shot out like a rocket only half an hour later at 9:07am! Sarah and I were still putting pressure on Michal’s lower back when Michal, who was squatting at the side of the birthing pool, started what was to be the last push. I was looking over her back towards her tush. No baby. And then Sarah calmly stated, “Uh….the baby’s out.” We were all stunned! It had only been 2-1/2 hours, lots of screams and moans, but only 2 pushes in 7 minutes. And there was the baby. Wiggly made his entrance. And what an entrance it was .While we were all looking toward the middle of the tub, the baby appeared in front of Michal and all of us except Sarah missed it!

Michal reached down into the water, picked up her son and there was this poop-covered little boy, eyes wide open taking in the whole room! I couldn’t believe how alert he was. No crying, no screaming. His palms were open and relaxed. Well, Jonathan and I were overcome with emotion and my eyes just filled with tears. Jonathan and I embraced and cried together.

The birth was exactly what Michal had envisioned. She wanted a home birth surrounded by those she loved and those who love her and it couldn't have been better. She did have a few complications afterward (Michal delivered so quickly that her body had trouble catching up). But she soon felt like herself again. And the baby was wonderful. It didn’t take more than 5 minutes to realize that he looks exactly like Jonathan…. the smile especially. And he’s so communicative and easy! He rarely really cries. Oh, he cries, don’t get me wrong. But his cries are filled with intonations and expression. Less demanding and more like trying to communicate. It’s hard to explain. Alex (some of us call him Avi….his Hebrew name) only complains when he’s hungry and most often tells us he’s hungry by sucking on his own hand. He also hates having a wet or filled diaper, and tells us by kicking his feet. If we don’t get to it soon enough, he lets us know verbally. Sometimes he stops crying as soon as we begin to undress him to take off his diaper, as if he knows what’s going to happen next. Sometimes, he waits until the old diaper has been removed before he stops. But when he stops, he gets totally silent and it’s obvious that he’s content. And he is fastidious! He must go through at least 20 diapers a day, probably more. His record so far is 3 diaper changes within 20 minutes. Oh yes, this boy likes to be clean!

At the beginning Avi had terrible pains every time after he ate (like Michal did when she was a baby) but Michal figured out a way to feed him that eliminated his cramping. If only they knew 27 years ago what they know today, Michal wouldn’t have had to go through hours of pain and crying and my mother would have been spared miles of walking, hours of rocking and days of sleep deprivation.

We’ve also discovered that Avi loves heat (like his mother and his great grandmother (savta rava)) and that he loves when someone sings to him. He especially likes the score from Oklahoma, Brahm's Lullaby, and every 1940s song that I ever learned from my Auntie Mel.

I think Michal, who is feeling a bit insecure at the moment, will find that things will get easier as time passes. At the beginning, breast feeding was hard and painful. She needed a pillow behind her back and on her lap and it seemed like she needed at least 4 hands. But she stuck with it and now she’s an expert. The other day she even nursed the baby standing up as we walked through a department store. And no one ever knew. It’s all a learning curve and Jonathan and Michal are both in the process of discovering what they need to do for themselves as well as for their little one. It’s more than a bit overwhelming to have this living, breathing being totally dependent upon you, but I think we turned a corner this morning when I was holding Avi and he began to cry and cry. I just couldn’t soothe him. But the moment I handed him to his mommy, he stopped crying and was very content. He just wanted to be with mommy. It surprised Michal but also went a long away in continuing their bonding.

I don’t even want to think about leaving tomorrow. This has been such a wonderful trip, I wish it would never end. I guess that’s what webcams are for. And I’m already looking at tickets for December.

Jan/Janet/Mom/Bubby